nothing compares 2 me

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a Sinead O' Connor fan, but one night I was out bar-hopping and I ran into her at this Kareoke bar called "Sing it again." It was a dumpy little hole-in-the-wall with an uneven pool table and an ugly bartender named Roofie.

Sinead was sitting in the corner with her friends and we immediately made eye contact. She wasn't bald yet, but this was before we began dating. Our eyes never left each other, not even as I made my way past the broken-down jukebox.

When I arrived at her table, her friends all sneered at me and even she gave me a hard look. She casually mixed her cocktail before breaking the silence with a not-so-tender, "Did you need something there, butthole?"

I stared her down for a solid thirty seconds before barking out my "go-to-line" : "Just a piece of your ARSE!"

I spent the rest of the night serenading her with Wham! songs. I'm pretty sure Careless Whisper was the straw that broke the camel's back. She walked up to me as I was midway through the, "we could have been sooo good togethaah... we should have lived this dance forevaaah..." and kissed me long and hard while her friends all cheered and clapped.
From that day on we were inseparable, well, until the following day when I ran into this girl named Alanis Morrisette and instantly decided she was the one for me. I guess I like girls that can sing.

So a few hours later I'm crawling down the 405 on my way to see Alanis and I'm listening to the radio. This song, "Nothing compares 2 U" comes on and the whole time I'm thinking, 'man, this voice sounds SO familiar and the topic of the song brought back a familiar loss I experience on a nightly basis whenever I'm not going to see myself for eight hours. What can I say? I miss me when I'm sleeping. But yeah, turns out that song made her a gazillionaire. So now I'm thinking yeah, Alanis is cool, but Sinead is loaded, so I'm outta here. Adios Alanis!

As luck would have it, this would be my biggest mistake, because when I tried to get back with Sinead she said, "too f'n bad, you f'n loser!"

"Such language for a pretty girl!" I cooed, while moving in closer for a little TLC. Let me tell you, money buys you bouncers and I'm not sure where she got these guys from but they were MEAN. The goons picked me up and threw me butt-backward into the street, while Sinead laughed with the same friends who once adored me.

Naturally, this hurt more than anyone could ever imagine, but I figured I still had Alanis. Right? Wrong. Because meanwhile Alanis had been secretly writing her own songs about me leaving her, one which was titled, "You oughta know."

I met her out front of the coffee dump where we first fell madly in love. When she saw me approaching she irritably rolled her eyes and turned to leave. As she began walking away, I called after her.

"Wait! Alanis-baby... where are you going?" She stopped and stood there for what seemed like three million years before turning around.

"Where do you think I'm going?"

"B-b-b-b-but I bought you those Police tickets for our 48-hour anniversary!" I pleaded.

She coldly replied, "Well PC," her nickname for me, "you can consider yourself uninvited."

I said, "Uninvited?! Isn't that ironic? Maybe you should write a song called that someday."

Before walking away forever, she smiled and said, "Maybe I will!"

And so the story goes...