reality tv

based on a true story:

When Reality TV first reared its ugly head back in the 90's I decided immediately it was garbage. Friends would come to me and say, "oh did you see what happened on the Real World last ni..." I'd always cut them short, "blah-blah-blah -don't know, don't care." And I truly didn't.

Well something must have gone awry along the way, actually, if I'm to be accurate, the "something" isn't just a random shot in the dark at some unseen force, it actually has a name: Missy, and she is my sister.

From the very beginning it was apparent that I was her puppet, put on this earth for her mere entertainment. At just 6 months old she would dress me up in gowns and pile on massive amounts of make-up.

When I finally learned how to talk in the first or second grade, she began with her many psychological experiments. "You're really ugly." She would state, matter-of-factly, monitoring my facial expression for any kind of feedback she could use to render me powerless in the future. As far as I was concerned, I had no other option but to believe because she had the final say on all matters.

I remember walking into her room one morning as she was busy gazing into her mirror. "I am the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world." She'd say. "I have perfect eyes, a perfect nose, perfect lips..." Her reflection hypnotically nodded along in agreement with me. We were obviously both under the same spell.

So naturally when Missy told me several years back that Big Brother 3 was the best show on television, I had no other choice but to believe. I suddenly found myself having lengthy discussions with her about why we both thought Alison was a Trampy McTramperson, and what reasons she could possibly have for being so stupid. Sadly, reality tv was when I first began the healing process. I finally had a sense of belonging, because I was no longer the victim, but now the oppressor along side of my older sister.

"Doesn't Alison realize that her boyfriend back home is watching her sleep with all of the other guys?" Missy scoffed in disbelief. "Like when she said, 'my boyfriend is going to kill me when he sees what I've done'. What's she thinking?" I didn't dare say too much at first, I mostly just nodded and agreed. Saying something foolish would likely get me banned from our special club and the thought of this happening would be an unthinkable tragedy.

As time went on, we quickly became addicted to anything shot on Beta format. The Bachelor and Bachelorette moved into the arena of new favorite shows.

I even once made the near-fateful mistake of calling her during a pivotal point where Andrew Firestone was about to hand out the second rose of twenty three to one of the longing women of the first episode. "Patrick, are you out of your mind? Unless if you have bullet wounds in your chest, you are NEVER to call me until the commercial break." Click - the phone went dead. What was I thinking?! Here I'd finally come all this way, only to blow it by being a mindless idiot. I paced my apartment as I waited for the commercial break before nervously calling back.

"I'm so sorry!" I screamed. She paused then sighed for the full torturous effect. "It's okay, Patrick. We all make mistakes, just don't do it again, k?" I was ecstatic and swore over and over to myself to use more caution in the future.

Meanwhile, reality tv was evolving and even better shows started surfacing, like Extreme Makeover: The Home Edition, and more importantly, The Contender. A show hosted by Sylvester Stallone and boxing legend, Sugar Ray Leonard. "Reality tv has finally reached perfection." Missy proclaimed, as she signaled for me to refill her wine glass. The Contender was moments away from beginning when the phone rang. I went over a list in my head of people who would be foolish enough to call, but came up empty handed.

"Missy, it's ABCDEFG, listen, I've had one of the worst days in my life and I just really need a friend to talk to." The show was finally beginning. "I'm sorry, ABCDEFG, you kind of caught me at a bad time." Click. Missy rolled her eyes, "The nerve of some people."

I shook my head in disgust, "I know. Lame!"

So needless to say, I love reality tv for many reasons. Its ability to make us laugh and to cry. It's healing effect on past damaged relationships. But most importantly reality tv is great because it brings us closer to our loved ones.